The Start of the Season

My determination, once so strong, petered out into nothingness now that the season is about to start up. That’s how this stuff usually goes for me.

I tend to be an obsessive person; I get heavily invested in something and suddenly nothing else seems to matter. The obsessions always fade though, and then I’m left finding something new to do with my time.

My obsession for playing hockey and loving the game hasn’t faded at all, and that’s kind of surprising for me. But the overwhelming desire to be good enough for the higher division team of my rec-league, built out of anger and frustration, did. And I’m not happy about it.

It turns out that even if I had been ready, skill-wise, this season, the higher division team has too many people. As it is, at least one of the two girls who moved up last season is moving back down. I had wanted to really push them into making a choice about me though. I wanted to be an exception to what they were thinking they were getting when a new beginner signed up two years ago.

I still remember being so bitter about missing the team that first year (I can’t believe that was two years ago now). I had wanted to prove to them how wrong they were to have made me a practice player. And I did. By the end of last season season I would have put myself in the top half of the roster, only behind a couple of girls who were phenomenal. And getting jipped in April in the tournament made me want to prove them wrong again so bad… It’s still my ultimate goal. 

I think, after these first two practices (“team evaluation skates”) I’ve already shown that I’m better than what I was when we finished the season. I played all summer, I learned how to play left wing (well!) and I won a championship. 

I still haven’t learned how to keep my head up. I still can’t really stop on my left foot and I’m uncomfortable doing backwards crossovers. I’m still developing a wrist shot and I’m re-learning my backhand shot after buying a new stick with a different curve that’s supposed to help me get some lift on wrist shots. I still pass too soon when I get pressured. I still can’t deke or move around defenseman. But I’m trying.

I’ve always said that the issue with this team is that I think the game faster than the other girls I play with. I think that’s why I had success with the coed team this summer (no goals but a good-handful of assists); I knew I had players driving to the net or skating with me when I had the puck on the wing. I knew I could shoot it at the goalmouth and someone would pick up the pieces or I could shovel it across the ice to my center or other wing breaking while the D was occupied with me. These women don’t do any of those things. It’s why the only ones who’ve really had success on this team have been the ones who can skate and deke around opposing players, carrying the puck all the way to the goal. 

The people here are better than the ones I played with this summer, even if they don’t value any of my hockey skill. I still feel included and people do talk to me on the bench or in the locker room. I just need to keep working, so that I’m capable of being a substitute for the higher division when they’re short for a game. They know where to be when someone else has the puck, at least.

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A short breakdown of both evaluation skates:

Sunday night felt like a letdown for me. I recently washed all my gear and when I put it on, everything felt about two sizes too small (including my skates). My arches were killing me all night and it felt like I wasn’t able to do anything well. I felt like I did at the start of last season and because I know I’m better than that, was depressed about it.

Tuesday night felt like a triumph in comparison. Our new coaches (two really nice girls who played college hockey and didn’t enjoy coaching the kids) set up some drills we haven’t done in these practices before. Just because of the amount of people we were, I was on a part of the ice with two very skilled players. One is new on the team and will be on the higher division and the other I met last year, also on the higher division; they both complimented my shot a few times. 

In another drill, I had the coach complimenting my backhand passing. 

In the 3-on-3 scrimmage we ended the night with, I showed off my compete level and the new skills I’ve developed to go with it. I challenged everyone who was on the puck and I got it from them multiple times, I set up multiple shots and I defended well. It felt like the crowning moment of my summer playing. Especially when the woman who coordinates my team was complimenting me while we scrimmaged together. 

On to next week.

About that time I scored a shootout goal…

Okay, again, my apologies. The last few weeks have been pretty crazy for me but I hope to get back on track logging my adventures in hockey.  

Three weeks ago now, my women’s team took part in the rec-league division of the Champlain Shootout tournament in Vermont. We did decent, using most of our usual team along with our goalie’s daughter and one girl who hasn’t played with this team in a few years. 

The good part is that it was fun and I had a redemption-like moment (we’ll get back to that). I drove up with one of my teammates and her boyfriend (who’s a goalie) so the entire car ride was hockey talk. We got up to Vermont just in time to stop by the hotel and leave our bags before heading to the rink for our 7:30 game against a team from Ottawa. Truthfully, I have no recollection of if I had a shot on goal in the game but we hung in there, only losing 1-0. This team was pretty even to play against and we had more chances in the offensive zone then in any other team we played against this season (except for one).

Saturday was two games, the first around 10 if I remember correctly. We lost (I don’t remember the score) but it felt more like every other game from the season, a lot of defense with barely any offense. The second game was around 1 pm. This was the easiest game all weekend, most of our time spent on offense. I do remember having a great shot on goal, a wrister that steered its way through two defenders legs before hitting the goalie’s pads. We had a ton of chances but only wound up winning 1-0, which put us 1-2. 

That one win helped us a lot though, and we came in 6th out of 8 teams. Our game on Sunday was around 11 am and it was against the same team we played on Friday, so we knew we stood a chance. 

I had two scoring opportunities in the game, a cross-ice feed that just missed my stick in front of the goal-mouth and the other a soft shot that just barely made it to the goalie. This was the toughest game for me though, emotionally. We went down 1-0 mid-way through the first and struggled the whole game to even the score. With 2 or so minutes left, we had the plan to pull the goalie. One of the ladies I’ve been skating with really seemed to have taken to me and was talking to the coach about who should be our 6 skaters… there were four legit girls on her list in front of me, but she included my name which I didn’t expect. 

My last shift of the game ended around the 4-minute mark of the 3rd period. I was hoping for that call to jump the boards on the attack when our goalie was pulled but our “coach”, scrambling to throw someone in without a pre-set plan, called his wife. I felt a little slighted but she has a great shot thy stood a chance. What really bothered me was what happened after… 

Our goalie’s daughter somehow managed to get the puck into the Ottawa team’s net with 4.6 seconds left (it was a pretty cool moment, I made sure to remember that time). The format of this tournament left us with the option of a shootout to determine the winner — 3 girls each and then sudden death like the NHL has. We opted to skate second. Our first 3 girls were our powerhouses but neither of them scored. Thankfully, neither of the other team’s skaters did either. They moved onto their next skater, who managed to score, but so did we; our goalie’s daughter getting it again. 

We went round for round, no one scoring for a long time. I watched our coach and his wife (team organizer and voted captain after no one tried to run for it) call name-after-name before the other team came to our bench to ask if we should call it, having run out of first time skaters themselves. Leading up to that, calling every name but mine, our captain said to me “you’re our closer, Danielle.” 

Now, in an emotional person, I’m more than willing to call myself out on that, but I don’t like to lie. I know full well that I should’ve been our 5th skater in the shootout. With one of our teammates retiring and a few other older girls getting the call first, it would’ve even been okay to have me as the 7th, even. I don’t have the best shot but it’s better than the other girls out ahead of me. With our captain telling me I was our closer, I turned to the woman who had said to put me in with our goalie pulled that, no, “I’m her last option.”

We kept the shootout going and the girl on the other team managed to score so it was up to me. I score and it continues; I don’t, and there’s validation for choosing me last. I know it didn’t have a place, but I had to blink back tears as I skated out to center ice. I took my time, making sure the puck stayed on my stick, stick-handling my way towards the net. I went wide to the right and the goalie probably read “back-hand” across my stick from center ice but I cut to my left, pulled the puck towards me and missed my shot, trying for top of the net. But I at least had hit the puck and it slid through the goalie, 5-hole, right into the net. Tie game. 

After 4 more skaters each and no one scoring, we ended the game as a 1-1 tie. Showering and getting everything ready for the ride home, and even on the ferry over the lake back to the New York side, the captain kept saying “You scored! That’s great!” It took a lot of restraint for me to not ask why I wasn’t trusted sooner; to ask why she thought everyone else on our team was the better option. I got my redemption at the end of the day though, and the motivation to try even harder to make the upper team next year. 

I skipped my Sunday game for the tournament that weekend but I played the following (two weeks ago). I skated well with a great chance in the second. After pressuring a defenseman, I managed to get my stick on the puck just as he went to pass and get it behind him. The goalie skated out to meet me and the puck and managed to get his stick on it to shove it away. I could hear my team on the bench cheering for me and when I came back to the bench, I was complemented on the play. It felt nice, and welcoming and it was so unexpected. 

The problem with my city team though is that they all know each other, and it’s really, really hard to get in with them. I’ve tried every week, standing around the team while they give out our weekly MVP award, commenting on emails or just jumping into their conversations. I’m left hanging every time though, with awkward stares when I say “have a good week” as I head out. 

This past weekend’s game was another good one for me though, with two shots on goal and my team once again complementing my play when I got back to the bench. The first shot on goal was a redirect, I was in front of the net, facing the blue line and the center shot-passed the puck at me. I got the back of my stick on it for a quick backhanded shot I thought could catch the goalie off guard. It did, but it was stopped. The second shot on goal was a cross-ice pass that I never stopped, just shot as soon as it crossed my stick. I got it up and the goalie quickly moved across the crease and caught the puck in their glove. These things all feel like improvements though, and I’m trying my heart out. I guess that’s all that needs to matter.

Let’s Play Catch-Up

I swear I do this every single month… Vowing to write more on this blog and then never following through.

In the last month I’ve had an incredible time playing hockey. I’ve had two total sessions with Janine and I can’t even begin to say how much it’s helped my game. I’ve registered actual shots on goal, I’ve taken actual wrist shots in a game where the puck actually elevates, it’s been like every dream come true.I’ve had multiple games almost every weekend, which also helps. I’ve had ample time to practice the things that she’s taught me as well as the things I’ve picked up in the Wednesday night practices. Two weeks ago at my last Wednesday practice, there were a total of four of us on the ice. I was able to ask our “Coach ” (really just an instructor who helps us on Wednesdays) for skating tips that I still felt like I was lacking. I was able to skate one on one with one of my teammates and work on my own shot as well as work on my defensive play so she could work on hers. We created our own passing drills and did some one on one plays, and then just played around with shooting at an open net.

I really felt that, in the last few weeks, I’ve become a valuable commodity for my team. I’ve often been the right winger on our starting line, and playing with, who I would say is, our best centers. Our pairings are always dependent on who can actually make a game, obviously, but it’s been awesome feeling like there’s a bit of faith in me. I feel like I’ve come so far from the start of the season.

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Private Lesson: 

Two weeks ago this Monday was my first private hockey session with Janine Weber, player for the New York Riveters in the NWHL. And omg, it was pretty awesome.

I was really nervous on my commute to meet with her for quite a few reasons. One, she’s a professional hockey player. Like holy shit, this girl is good, you know? Second, I had to take subways I’ve never taken before all while carrying my gear in a brand new backpack bag that didn’t exactly fit the width of the subway turnstiles. Third, after talking to a coworker who lives in the area of the rink I’d never before been to, Janine agreed to pick me up at the subway stop and drive the 1/4 mile to the park together. So yeah, my heart was pumping a bit extra and my stomach was fluttering just a bit.

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Wildcats: 1/14

Picture is from the outdoor game on 1/7/17. Only ladies in wildcats jerseys normally play on the team.

Tonight’s game was just, completely incredible to me. We lost, 5-1, and I didn’t score but I’ve never played as well as I did.

I ran late to the game and had to rush through getting my gear on and barely made it onto the ice before the game started. I got to skate one lap before my team huddled around the bench and did our “1, 2, 3, wildcats!” cheer. My line was out first.

In the first period my line had a few chances; I’ve made it my mission to become a female Patric Hornqvist so I park myself in front of the net a lot. Our best scoring chance came off a shot from my center that hit the goalie’s pads and bounced into the right circle. I skated to the puck and turned back to the net as I shot. I literally cannot believe I did that. What’s better? The shot was on goal.

This is like, completely unfathomable territory for me here. But wait.

It gets better.

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Hockey Heaven


It’s been a week+ of non-stop hockey for me and I’ve bee LOVING it! Between watching my beloved Penguins play and my own ice-time, I’ve only been off one day, Monday, and won’t have my next break until this coming Tuesday.

Last Sunday was a great game, but still a loss. I’ve been taking the advice of those around me and pressuring more when I don’t have the puck and being aggressive with trying to get it on my stick. I’ve had some success.

The rink we played at was incredible to walk into; it felt like something rivaling where the NWHL teams have been playing, one side of the ice having steel bleachers stretching to the ceiling and the other having an overhang of nice seats. I felt incredible just walking into the rink and special when I sat on the bench.

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MCL Injury Anniversary 


I’m not very good at commemorating milestones here, but I do tend to acknowledge them in real life at least. Last Thursday, November 10, was a year to the date of my MCL injury. I didn’t skate on Thursday but I did go over the weekend.

My knee isn’t 100%. A year, four months of physical therapy, time, later, it still hurts sometimes. I still sometimes feel seconds from falling down and hurting it again. Last Tuesday, in fact, my foot slid off a curb and I had a whole “life-flash before my eyes/complete panic” moment. Nothing happened, thank god, but the time in between my foot leaving the curb and my other bracing the landing, felt like a lifetime.

Admittedly, I haven’t kept up with working out or always eating right. I’m willing to bet I was in better shape at the end of April, when I finished PT, than I am now. It’s not for a lack of trying, more for a lack of will to keep trying when life just keeps pushing me back into a hole. (That whole lead singer of a band thing is done, btw…)

I’m coming up soon on two years since I went to Pittsburgh, which is two years since I skated on their version of Rockefeller center. Two years since I finally said, “if I’m ever going to do it, I need to do it now.” A month after that I bought my hockey skates. Hopefully I remember to celebrate, but if not, at least I’ve said it to myself.

Catching up: Wildcats

There have been 5 games in my wildcats “career” and we’ve lost all but one. I’ll take it, honestly, but I can tell a few of the other women are a little irked by it. I heard some rumblings from our “coach” (one of the women’s husbands — very good hockey knowledge) that last night, after we turned up our intensity we looked more like the team from last year.

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Wildcat: Game 1


Most of my first game as a wildcat feels like a hazy memory and it only ended an hour ago. I feel vindicated somehow. I feel like I proved to these women, or some of them, that it was a mistake to keep me off the team last year. One of them even questioned why I wasn’t playing last year.
I think something I’m pretty natural with is a game instinct. I’m not Sidney Crosby and I’m not claiming to be, but I have a good sense when the puck is on my stick of where it should be put to score a goal (unfortunately my teammates are rarely in these places).

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